Happy Keanu Day and Happy Birthday today to this beautiful international treasure this cruel world doesn’t deserve but truly needs right now!
Happy Keanu Day and Happy Birthday today to this beautiful international treasure this cruel world doesn’t deserve but truly needs right now!
First up, the “sad” stuff. It’s not really sad, thus the reason why I quoted it. But today is the birthday of the person whom, for a time, I thought was my mom, a day that, much like Mother’s Day, I don’t celebrate, and haven’t celebrated in yeeeeaaaarrrsss. Even if I don’t celebrate her bday because of obvious reasons that would make Christina Crawford go “oh, I’ve been there, gurl…”, I still remember it. And I take to the day like any other normal day. It’s not like she celebrates my birthday as well.
Am I fine with that I haven’t talked to her in almost three years? Of course. (The last time we talked, I got so bitter with her bullshit, I hung up on her.) Would I like to establish communication with her again? No, not really. Do I still wish that I had that maternal figure in my life? Absolutely. When I’m with my friends and I see them at ease with their moms, I get a little envious. They have a mom that I wish I had. All I know is that if and when I do become a mother, I want to become that mother that I wish I had to my kids, so that my kids would be happy to celebrate my birthday and Mother’s Day. Resentment between child and parents is a mega-bitch, and I don’t want that to happen if and when I have kids.
Hey, I had to get that off my chest.
Now for some happy stuff. The fashion hor in me has not looked at a fashion magazine in years (they’ve all blown chunks), but I’m very intrigued by the current month’s issue of Italian “Vogue.”
That is model Grace Elizabeth on the cover, and I’m impressed. She looks like she can serve face, unlike some of the big name “models” out there, and it doesn’t sound like she came from rich parents with connections, as far as I know. I definitely would like to see more of her, and hopefully she stays away from ingrates like Uncle Terry and the K-trash.
And her editorial in the magazine!
She is giving me Suzy Parker realness! And the images are classic Meisel, who is greatly influenced by vintage 60s Avedon here. The editorial harkens back to the golden years of Italian Vogue (the late 80s to 90s), when editorials were so creative and awe-inspiring. Couple Meisel’s work with the right models, and you get GLAMOUR!
One of the things that makes me old is realizing that 1997 was 20 years ago. 20 fuck years ago!! Is it just me or has society devolved since then?
I was a pre-teen going on to my teen years that year. I was sporting Skechers platform shoes so I can be like a Spice Girl, and I tuned to NBC every Thursday night (?) to watch “3rd Rock From the Sun.” Why? Because my boyfriend was on that show:
Hahaha, of course Joseph Gordon-Levitt was never my man in real life. (That didn’t stop me from calling him mah boo in my bedroom while I looked at his pics in “Bop” magazine with loving eyes. You’d do the same thing if you were a sad, chubby nerd like me then!) I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since I’ve heard of him. He’s one of the few teen heartthrobs of that time that grew up to have a steady head on his shoulders. The other girls flooded their basements for Jonathan Taylor-Thomas and that Zachary Ty Forgot-his-last-name-but-he-was-on-the-same-show-as-JTT dude, but I adored JGL the most. Him, and my other boyfriend at the time, Taylor Hanson. (Do you see a pattern here?)
Ah, teen crushes. Speaking of crushes, here’s my newest one:
WHO IS THIS AND I WANT TO RIDE HIM!!!
All I did was run a search on “nonsensical rant gifs”, and he showed up. I see his “name” is “Danny Sexbang”, but, as fitting as the last name is, what is his real last name, so I can practice writing it after we get hitched. Bahaha, just kidding! I don’t want to get married to him, and I know not a thing about him other than he got fine face (fingers crossed that I don’t find anything incriminating about him), but I still want to ride him (after I’m done with Keanu, of course).
“Do I look like the type to get sloppy seconds?”
***updated 5/10/17–First up: apparently, I forgot to set the visibility to “Public” for this post until now (5/10). I had this post finished for weeks and I just noticed this! I always set the visibility to “Private” when I’m writing here, because most of the time I don’t finish up my post, and a half-assed, unfinished post is something I don’t want made public. (“But you’ve written some half-assed posts here before!”–you)
Second: what did I do to get this message???
We’ve received the DMCA takedown notice (http://en.support.wordpress.com/copyright-and-the-dmca) below regarding material published on your WordPress.com site, which means the complainant is asserting ownership of this material and claiming that your use of it is not permitted by him/her or the law. As required by the DMCA, we have disabled public access to the material.
Repeated incidents of copyright infringement will also lead to the permanent suspension of your WordPress.com site. We certainly don’t want that to happen, so please delete any other material you may have uploaded for which you don’t have the necessary rights and refrain from uploading additional material that you do not have permission to upload. Although we can’t provide legal advice, the following link provides resources that might help you make this determination:
I received this email recently. I would like it if WordPress specified what actual entry (or entries) has the content I’m supposed to take down (instead of me sifting through all my entries to see where that kind of content is at), so I can take care of that issue right away. Judging from this message, it looks like someone else other than me has read my blog, so there’s the silver lining in this situation!
What I adore about this time of the year (this time being April-May-early June) is Playoff Season!! Namely the NBA and NHL playoffs. And baseball season and the upcoming French Open, too? This sports hor is dripping right now. Although it’s not profusely–I still have to worry about my Penguins, and who knows how they’ll be vs those Caps in the upcoming round. Sure, they may have beaten them in last year’s playoffs (and, coincidentally, the Caps were also the President’s Trophy winners then, IIRC), but even I’m not naive to think lightning can strike twice for mah team (especially since they don’t have Letang and their kick-ass goalie from last year–although Fleury is holding up pretty nicely so far). But I’d like for it to!
By the way, if those SF Giants somehow make it to the World Series this year and win that shit again (and I’m doing my damndest to hold back laughs here), I’d like to reward the whole team with these:
Because the off-season is a whole lot more appropriate for athletes to participate in recreational activities involving things like this, don’t you agree, MadBum? (All jokes aside, goddammit, Bummy. I never thought I’d say that about you, but here we are.)
I had one of these recently:
I got it at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk; they’re called Tater Twisters, and they didn’t cost much ($5.25 for a fried spud stick). Yep, I was in Santa Cruz this past Sunday, and the drive to there was needed. See, I was in San Jose this past weekend for a business trip, and some things stressed the shit out of me during this trip. Since I finished up all my business on Saturday, Sunday was a good day for a getaway to the beach. I got to ride a few rides at the Boardwalk that I didn’t get to enjoy last time I was there (like Logger’s Revenge and the Cliff Hanger), and I was surprised that the Giant Dipper didn’t have that long of a line for its ride (you’d think that would be the case given that it’s Sunday, but no).
What I was irked from riding that historical coaster, though, was the couple that sat in front of me. Those slags had the nerve to hold their phones in their hands the whole time during the ride! How the fuck do you do that? And they didn’t even look excited–no screams or enthusiasm or anything! How do you not scream while riding a coaster? Why the fuck did they get on this ride in the first place??? If they wanted to spend some time on their damn phones, they could’ve spared themselves the dough it costs to get a ride card, and stayed home and Facebooked and selfied like the basic bores they are, all they wanted. (Do I really have to go on a rant on how cell phones are slowly sucking away the souls and spirits of some people?)
If anyone wants some bomb-ass ice cream, go to Marini’s. Preferably their pier location–I’m not sure about their locations on the boardwalk, but their pier location has this flavor called Dirty Paws. It’s caramel ice cream with Oreo bits and other sweet stuff mixed in, and it’s muy delicioso!!
It’s official: I AM CRAZY FOR MAKEUP!!! And I say that with all the emphasis because I’m finding myself going to Ulta and the makeup counters at Macy’s and Target more often. At Ulta, if I’m not painted (aka “sporting a ‘full face’ of makeup”), I will actually spend time there to paint myself. Primer, powder, eyeshadow, blush palette, the works. Because I’m vain and nuts, that’s why. (Though I won’t do mascara at the stores, since there is no way I’ll be using the store samples on my lashes. Who knows where that mascara wand has been.) Just yesterday, I now know why those Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow palettes are all the rage. I sampled their Naked3 palette, and, ooh, my eyes looked fierce the house down. So, yay, I found another place to throw my money at!
Did anyone watch last week’s episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” last week? I read what it was actually gonna be about through the Reddits, and immediately deleted it from my DVR. Why, Ru, why? Why did you allow that foolish idea of a challenge to be green-lighted?? Even Bianca Del Rio knows what’s up!
Whoever came up with that awful-ass idea needs to be FIRED. And whoever actually enjoyed that challenge needs to look at their life choices a little more closely. Is that what we get for glorifying stupidity and mediocrity for so long?
I saw this recent magazine cover that had this bland, blue-eyed blonde on its cover, and the cover line described her as the “American Dream Girl”. What fucking decade are we in, the 1950s?? I know there are some uptight assholes that do want this country to go back that decade (none of whom I voted for), but still. First Kate Frumpton on Vogue a few years ago, and now that shit? One of the reasons why beauty in American media is still ass-backwards.
You know the type that will bitch about how, for instance, so-and-so is not a good actor, but then stans for someone who’s not only the same thing, but has a more dubious personality than the person they keep bitching about? I do. Check who you stan for before you come for someone else’s acting (or singing or writing, etc.).
Cool store of the month: Cost Plus World Market! I’m actually going there for their food and clearance items. Oh, and their free samples of coffee and tea. (Now I don’t have to drive to the next town over to go to their Trader Joe’s for my free caffeine fix!) Recently, they had a lot of Easter items on clearance, and I was able to get some carrot spice pancake mix (originally priced at $6) for $1.25, and some shortbread cookies (which went for $3/box) for $3 for 4 boxes! I’d speak more highly of CPWM, but I also saw them selling some expired chow on their clearance shelves, and that’s disgusting. (Always check the expiration date on your food before buying it!) They also used to sell liquor chocolate candies last year, but I haven’t seen it recently. Bring back my whiskey-filled chocolates, dammit!
People magazine recently released their annual “Most ‘Beautiful’
Bores People” issue. Just like what they do for their “Sexiest Men Alive” issues, they went with a predictable, safe choice whom we’ve seen before. In this case, it’s the one person that’s been on their MBP covers the most: Julia “A Low Vera” Roberts. I actually had no problems with Julia up until I started reading about how she apparently stole someone’s husband from another woman and other cunty things. Yeah, nothing personifies “beautiful” like a husband-stealer. I will say that Julia still doesn’t irk me like other celebs, but now I know there’s another side to that toothy smile of hers.
I still don’t know why People no longer includes men on their MBP list. Then again, I shouldn’t be putting too much thought on a trash rag that gave a cover to celebrate Chump’s stolen election last year (hey, where was Obama’s People cover when he first got elected?), and used the words “slay” and “hot” when describing the weight loss of pedo slag Mama June. Along with (Out of) Vogue, almost all the fashion and tabloid rags out there, I’d prefer to see People fold. Until that happens, here’s my list of who’s beautiful to me this year. As always, my list not only includes men (for I think there really are some beautiful men out there), but is a list of actual beautiful people, both inside and out. It’s a little smaller than the last time I made one of these, and since I didn’t make one for last year, it’s because it would’ve been most of the same people from before. (I would’ve excluded Emily Ratasomething from 2016’s list. She became a booger to me right after I made 2015’s list. ) No spouse-stealers, pedos, talentless attention trolls, social media “stars” (ahahaha, those special snowflakes really think they’re stars, huh?), and Chump supporters allowed.
Beauty awaits for you after the jump!
Despite this year overflowing with unprecedented fuckery of the highest (or lowest?) order, I still managed to have some love for a lucky few. It’s that time again: my annual end-of-the-year crush list!!!
10) Justin Clynes
My male model of the year…and you can see why! I haven’t looked at fashion mags lately (can you blame me?), but if that’s not his fine ass fronting designer wear and smelly cologne, then it’s further proof that both the modeling and fashion industry are in the shitter right now. How can they let a fine specimen like Justin go under the radar while hyping up that dull-faced bore Bella Hadid to no ends?
9) Jason Momoa
Also another industry that’s currently crap: Hollywood. Why? Because they’re not giving us more Momoa! (And Idris Elba and more full-frontal male nude scenes as well.) And damn that Lisa Bonet, who gets to ride him whenever her cooch desires. (Seriously, she has one lucky cooch. First Lenny Kravitz in the late 80s-early 90s and now Momoa.)
8) Kate McKinnon
She took on Hillary (a skit I would’ve loved to have seen for the next four years but…horseshit), she tackled Bieber, and she made Saturday Night Live funny again. And I didn’t know she was a looker as well! Schumer who? Kate was the real Funny Lady this year.
7) The Ab-Fab Ladies!
Sweetie dahling, I have a confession: I’ve heard of Edina and Patsy for years, but…I never watched their show until this year. (“Sacrilege!”–you, as you gasp in shock) But, hey, better late than never, and I’ve gotten so hooked on AbFab, I had to buy their DVD set! Their fabulousness has been so infectious, I’m currently swigging down some Bolli as I write this! (“No, that’s what you always do when you’re here.”–you)
(She’s that amazing she needed to be shown twice.)
Drag Race fans will say she was robbed of the crown in All-Stars 2. But her presence that season stole our hearts. She was already fun-loving in Season 7, but I felt like she flourished as a drag performer in AS2. Granted, she didn’t win a lip-sync or the $10K that came with it, but in an exciting season of eclectic fashion, tongue-popping bitchiness, and a PayPal reference, our favorite Russian hooker won many, many more fans. Also, I got her autograph at DragCon earlier this year!! Everybody say it with me: yaaaaassss!
5) Jacob DeGrom & Noah Syndergaard
My dream “swordfight” in my mouth! While Jacob’s game slid this year (compared to last year), Noah pitched himself into Cy Young consideration. Nonetheless, they were both equally excelling in rocking my ovaries, and for that I would love to reward them
with my throat.
4) Sidney Crosby
Seven years had passed since The Kid last hoisted the cup. But he didn’t need to be a Stanley Cup champion every year to be on my Crush list, of which he is always on. Everything about him, from that sweet face and personality to his fierce game and hot bubbly ass, hits my five-hole. I will admit that winning a cup this year raises his hotness ten-fold. Because nothing makes me my lady parts swoon with glee than a crush object of mine winning something major!
3) Ashley Graham ❤
What’s better than a hot brunette? A hot brunette with a bangin’ figure. And Ashley has that in spades. Hers is a body-ody-ody that needs to be more represented in mainstream fashion and entertainment. And, after the likes of Emme and Mia Tyler who tried to make plus-size models mainstream, it seems like Ashley is the one not only to do so, but is making it so right now. This year, she scored the covers of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan–of which she became the first “big girl” to front their covers. And 2017 seems to be going in the right direction for her, as you can currently see her lovely mug on UK Vogue. Will the American edition be next? (As much as I adore her, though, I can’t bring myself to buying an issue of Vogue. Because.)
2) Keanu Reeves ❤ ❤
I know what you’re probably thinking…WHAAAAA?!?! He’s not your tops this year?!? Well, hear me out: he is still tops, in a way. I still have the most fap fantasies over him than anyone else on this list. (The AbFab ladies are at a distance second, by the way.) And he’s still bangin’ at 52 (!) years old. (Take that, Johnny Depp! And, yes, that pic of him is a very recent one. Maybe some filter used but still that’s 52 and HOT DAYUM.) Plus, he had a movie named after him this year! And, despite his star revival, he remains a humble, beautiful person inside and out, which is something I can’t say for the majority of HoWood. So why is he not up top this time around? See what I wrote for my number one. Which is…
1) Adore Delano!! ❤ ❤ ❤
OK, so how did a chola party queen from Azuza top this list that also had Keanu and Sidney and Ashley and Keanu? Easy. Be a crush object that I get to meet in real life! (She’s quite tall in person, and her waist, even without a corset, is small. I know this because when I touched her waist to see if there’s a corset, that’s how it felt.)
Adore had me intrigued from first sight. In drag, she is true to her persona, showcasing a style more convenient and real than the fully-cinched, pageant glamour drag we’ve been accustomed to when it came to the typical drag look. Her going out there sans corset and dressing like a lost member of Bikini Kill? Why not?! Seeing Adore out of drag, however, had me fannin’ mahself. And after reading this little bitty from her, maybe there is some hope for me, after all!
Condragulations for topping my list, Adore! You’ve won bragging rights for all of next year. Now prance, mah queen!
So, the VMAs happened this past week, and, of course, I didn’t watch it because I don’t bother with inane mediocrity. (For the record, I was in Yountville when that shitshow aired, eating an It’s-It while enjoying a sunset in the Napa Valley. So suck on that, MTV!) Nonetheless, there were a couple things about it that I noticed.
–the absurdity of some Britney Spears’ fans. On some sites I check out, some Brit fans like to bring up that Christina Aguilera isn’t as “successful” as Brit because of her “bitchiness.” Well. If that is the case, explain the likes of Naomi Campbell, Justin Beaver, and Kuntye West for me. They’ve done far, far worse than Xtina has, and yet they have had a lot more shine than she’s had. In Naomi’s case, if bitchiness and unprofessionalism was a career killer, then she would not have been anything after her diva behavior caused her to be dumped by Elite Models in the early 90s. Oh well, let some Brit fans latch onto anything that makes Xtina seem horrible while their goddess is a do-gooder. Bitch please.
“Spears, Britney. Very stingy (although I’m hearing reports that this is not always true). Breast implants; uses padded costumes to enhance the effect. Has been known to enjoy marijuana (and coke, and E, and etc etc etc) on occasion. Chain-smoker. Has let her fame go to her head and become a beeyotch…“ (find #2331 in the list, and this gossip came from 2004)
Hey, anyone who messes with my Xtina better do so rightfully and not ignore the other side of the coin. (And, for the record, while I have no problem defending her, it’s not gonna be all the time. She sang with donut-licker Ariana Grande earlier this year, and that sucked.)
By the way, I don’t know why Britney chose to perform at that show. (Or was it her handlers making her do so to promote her latest album?) I’m not even a remote fan of hers, and even I think the VMAs don’t deserve her. Besides, she can’t keep doing this sexy showgirl phoning-it-in shtick any longer. It’s actually sad. She’s better off taking her kids and money and getting away from her handlers and the media and living her life the way she wants to.
I saw that most of the queens from “RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars 2” were there. (No Adore, sadly. Then again, it’s the VMAs; why should she be caught dead there?) Apparently, they were all wearing “iconic” fashions from past VMAs. OK…
I only know four of these looks. I have no idea who the others are dolled up as, except for Roxxxy Andrews (third from left), who I like but (after reading RPDRs Reddit) chose to dress up as, of all things, Kummy Kuntrashian! Girl, no! There is absolutely NOTHING iconic about that cunt! The runway theme asked for “iconic” looks, but today you served up forgettable. I’m sorry, Roxxxy, but you (and Alyssa and Katya and Detox and Tati) are up for elimination. Seriously, I haven’t watched the VMAs in yeeeeaaarrrsss, but I know what the hell was iconic on their slut carpet. Not even Carmen Electra’s “gown” from 1997 or Rose MacGowan’s string thing from 1998 or, yes, Xtina’s reverse cleavage top from 2002? Fuck, the compact that Courtney Love threw at Madonna in 1995 is a helluva lot more iconic than almost all these looks here. For shame, girls. Now sashay away!
Well, at least that VMA mess is over, and now I can focus on the nicer things in life, such as two beauties born on this day:
and, of course…
Should the stars and planets align to give me good luck and these two approach me, I bet the first words that come out of my mouth would be this, because SLUT:
I swear, threesome fantasies involving Salma and Keanu (even if they now have over 100 years combined on me) are a lot more interesting than the past 16 VMAs.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day this year: a brand-spanking new crush object for me!
Adore Delano, drag queen extraordinaire/Season 6 runner-up queen of “RuPaul’s Drag Race”/the fantasy in my head while I hump my pillow tonight! She’s the reason why I’m firing up the YouTube lately to go watch Season 6 episodes (before they get rudely taken down) of RPDR and I cannot get enough of her. And him. I mean, look at him! If you’re not fanning yourself after seeing that adorable mug of his, then you must think Justin Beaver is sexy (boooo you!).
It’s been two years since Season 6 of RPDR, and I’m just now catching up on some of its episodes. But I first caught Adore, not from watching her, but on Dlisted, when she was the header pic of her Birthday Sluts thread two years ago. (And hahahahaha on that poster who called her “Ronald McDonald’s daughter.” That shit still cracks me up.) Nearly a year later, she did a guest spot on a special episode for Season 7, and that was where I got a good whiff of her. (But not her tights, thankfully.) Girlie was rocking some glamorous goth shit and there was something about her that screamed ditz. In the good, Kelly Bundy way. I’ve come to the conclusion that pretty much everything that comes out of her mouth is GIF-worthy and should be etched into marble and displayed in a museum. To wit:
And, of course…
As I am with all drag queens, I’m always in admiration over a guy who has better makeup and wig skills than this chick who’s happy with her discount-bin Party City wigs and wearing her $1 NYC lipstick and nothing more, thank you very much. But when I see some of them out of their drag, some of them get me hot. There was Violet Chachki and Pearl before, and now there’s Adore. Oh my gaaaawwwwddd, what I would give to experience those pretty, pretty lips of his…
And yet I’m more likely to whore around with the married star athlete Jacob DeGrom as opposed to La Delano because, sadly, those pretty, pretty lips of his don’t swing my way. Must this be the story of my life? The guys I want are either taken, unattainable, or gay. If this shit isn’t included under the definition of “sexual frustration”, it should be.
Underneath the fierce bitchiness that gets me grinning is a vulnerable side that makes me want to hold her and nurture her. (Yes, I said nurture. This bitch has that side, too.) I’ve seen two episodes where she gets emotional and…wait, hold up…she was in the bottom two at one point?!? Ugh, thank goodness the judges wised up and saved her and kept her on till the finals. Otherwise, I and the rest of this world probably would’ve never known of this hottie in the first place, and that would’ve been a major crime!
(Well, whaddya know, the rest of the world–except me–did know Adore way before she did RPDR, for she was on American Idol years ago. I say “except me” because I never watched that show. Got’dayum, he was so fine then, too.)
And now I shall leave you with a best-of compilation video of my newest crush object. If you hear something breaking tonight, it’s probably the sound of my bed, falling apart after me humping on my pillow hard because ‘DIS GURL. Yes, I would with her in drag, and I soooo would with him, even if he keeps saying “party” and “Libra” a hundred times. And if he says that shit too much, there’s always the ball gag for that, because Scorpio here.
It’s that time of the year again! My annual roundup of my top crush objects of the year! And if you already know who’s going to top my list this year, well…maybe you’re right. Or not. Go read on.