These days, I walk past the newsstands the same way Jessica Lange famously walked past Lea Michele. That doesn’t mean I’m not privy to who’s on those covers, namely the fashion rags (as I call them these days). Staying true to my Scorpi-ho roots, I can be a masochist at times, thus the reason why I go to The Fashion Spot’s Cover Rumor Thread for a good, ol’ fashioned hate read. It’s a hate read knowing which uninspiring slag gets to front a fashion rag cover, as well as seeing some of the posters there speak highly of said uninspiring slag. (I’d post there myself and educate some of them, but I know I’m going to get into quite the argument when I encounter some of the site’s K-trash supporters (yep, they exist, sadly), so I figure I’d rather not waste my breath there.)
I used to enjoy reading fashion rags, when they were real magazines and not the rags they are today. The September issue of a fashion mag used to be a big fucking deal, and it was a bit of an honor for the woman who got the cover. When fashion mags started favoring actresses and singers for their covers (not just the September issues) over models, the influence and inspiration started to slide. The last September cover I’ve seen that wowed me was Interview’s September 2013 issue when they had eight top models from the past and present on each cover. Even if the photography of that issue was bleh, you can’t go wrong with Linda, Naomi, Christy, and Kate on the covers.
There has not been a decent September cover since that issue, and it sucks ass to see who’s getting them these days. Not only does this September have covers featuring a Toddler Face with as much appeal as dryer lint, the boyfriend of Toddler Face getting out-posed by the two models next to him (who also look like they could kick his ass), a perpetual whiner who really needs to STFU and fade into oblivion, and an award-winning messy ho who adores the K-trash. It’s only fitting that these kinds of covers coincide with how dubious and flaccid fashion (hell, almost all of pop culture) has become. There has been nothing memorable and awe-inspiring in current fashion (has there been a dress or outfit or fashion moment in the past five years that fashionistas will remember decades from now?), so, fittingly, the fashion rag covers and its cover “stars” must be cut from the same cloth. It’s odd that the big-name rags choose to cover pedestrian hos when there are some interesting names out there with some actual style and substance. There’s nothing in the world that can convince me that Toddler Face is as stylish as Nicole Kidman or Christy Turlington or even Bai Ling!!! And not that we don’t know that fashion rag covers these days are crud, but when other creative directors of fashion rags are snatching and cutting up the wigs of (Out of)Vogue, (Fucking)Bazaar, and (Not)InStyle, it’s proof positive that, well, I need to be running all the fashion rags.
Why me? Well, for one, I’d make the covers look amazing, like they once were…
When September covers showed fashion and didn’t tell a story (with their excessive cover headlines). So I must ask: what’s wrong with those looks on today’s covers? What’s wrong with a little simplicity and a decent model (not from the wasteland of Instagram) on the covers? Do editor-in-chiefs of the fashion rags think they know what the public wants (hell no), or are they all phoning it in (fuck yes)? Granted, overall magazine sales continue to decline year after year, but that doesn’t mean the EICs of the fashion rags should continue to be as mundane as Bella Hadon’t mug and keep churning out lackluster AF issues. If one of the big titles is looking to change course (though I’m not holding my breath for that), they could take a note or two from the magazine’s past, and keep their covers simple, stupid. No more resorting to polarizing cover subjects, an abundance of inane & overused cover lines, and the dreaded 100 pages of ads before I get to the Table of Contents page. (Oh, and no more mentions of ingrates people hate, like the K-trash, Bieber, Chump, Lena Dumpham, Fist Brown, etc. on and in the pages.) Who knows–it maybe the lifesaver to a sinking fashion magazine industry.