Despite this year overflowing with unprecedented fuckery of the highest (or lowest?) order, I still managed to have some love for a lucky few. It’s that time again: my annual end-of-the-year crush list!!!
10) Justin Clynes
My male model of the year…and you can see why! I haven’t looked at fashion mags lately (can you blame me?), but if that’s not his fine ass fronting designer wear and smelly cologne, then it’s further proof that both the modeling and fashion industry are in the shitter right now. How can they let a fine specimen like Justin go under the radar while hyping up that dull-faced bore Bella Hadid to no ends?
9) Jason Momoa
Also another industry that’s currently crap: Hollywood. Why? Because they’re not giving us more Momoa! (And Idris Elba and more full-frontal male nude scenes as well.) And damn that Lisa Bonet, who gets to ride him whenever her cooch desires. (Seriously, she has one lucky cooch. First Lenny Kravitz in the late 80s-early 90s and now Momoa.)
8) Kate McKinnon
She took on Hillary (a skit I would’ve loved to have seen for the next four years but…horseshit), she tackled Bieber, and she made Saturday Night Live funny again. And I didn’t know she was a looker as well! Schumer who? Kate was the real Funny Lady this year.
7) The Ab-Fab Ladies!
Sweetie dahling, I have a confession: I’ve heard of Edina and Patsy for years, but…I never watched their show until this year. (“Sacrilege!”–you, as you gasp in shock) But, hey, better late than never, and I’ve gotten so hooked on AbFab, I had to buy their DVD set! Their fabulousness has been so infectious, I’m currently swigging down some Bolli as I write this! (“No, that’s what you always do when you’re here.”–you)
(She’s that amazing she needed to be shown twice.)
Drag Race fans will say she was robbed of the crown in All-Stars 2. But her presence that season stole our hearts. She was already fun-loving in Season 7, but I felt like she flourished as a drag performer in AS2. Granted, she didn’t win a lip-sync or the $10K that came with it, but in an exciting season of eclectic fashion, tongue-popping bitchiness, and a PayPal reference, our favorite Russian hooker won many, many more fans. Also, I got her autograph at DragCon earlier this year!! Everybody say it with me: yaaaaassss!
5) Jacob DeGrom & Noah Syndergaard
My dream “swordfight” in my mouth! While Jacob’s game slid this year (compared to last year), Noah pitched himself into Cy Young consideration. Nonetheless, they were both equally excelling in rocking my ovaries, and for that I would love to reward them
with my throat.
4) Sidney Crosby
Seven years had passed since The Kid last hoisted the cup. But he didn’t need to be a Stanley Cup champion every year to be on my Crush list, of which he is always on. Everything about him, from that sweet face and personality to his fierce game and hot bubbly ass, hits my five-hole. I will admit that winning a cup this year raises his hotness ten-fold. Because nothing makes me my lady parts swoon with glee than a crush object of mine winning something major!
3) Ashley Graham ❤
What’s better than a hot brunette? A hot brunette with a bangin’ figure. And Ashley has that in spades. Hers is a body-ody-ody that needs to be more represented in mainstream fashion and entertainment. And, after the likes of Emme and Mia Tyler who tried to make plus-size models mainstream, it seems like Ashley is the one not only to do so, but is making it so right now. This year, she scored the covers of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan–of which she became the first “big girl” to front their covers. And 2017 seems to be going in the right direction for her, as you can currently see her lovely mug on UK Vogue. Will the American edition be next? (As much as I adore her, though, I can’t bring myself to buying an issue of Vogue. Because.)
2) Keanu Reeves ❤ ❤
I know what you’re probably thinking…WHAAAAA?!?! He’s not your tops this year?!? Well, hear me out: he is still tops, in a way. I still have the most fap fantasies over him than anyone else on this list. (The AbFab ladies are at a distance second, by the way.) And he’s still bangin’ at 52 (!) years old. (Take that, Johnny Depp! And, yes, that pic of him is a very recent one. Maybe some filter used but still that’s 52 and HOT DAYUM.) Plus, he had a movie named after him this year! And, despite his star revival, he remains a humble, beautiful person inside and out, which is something I can’t say for the majority of HoWood. So why is he not up top this time around? See what I wrote for my number one. Which is…
1) Adore Delano!! ❤ ❤ ❤
OK, so how did a chola party queen from Azuza top this list that also had Keanu and Sidney and Ashley and Keanu? Easy. Be a crush object that I get to meet in real life! (She’s quite tall in person, and her waist, even without a corset, is small. I know this because when I touched her waist to see if there’s a corset, that’s how it felt.)
Adore had me intrigued from first sight. In drag, she is true to her persona, showcasing a style more convenient and real than the fully-cinched, pageant glamour drag we’ve been accustomed to when it came to the typical drag look. Her going out there sans corset and dressing like a lost member of Bikini Kill? Why not?! Seeing Adore out of drag, however, had me fannin’ mahself. And after reading this little bitty from her, maybe there is some hope for me, after all!
Condragulations for topping my list, Adore! You’ve won bragging rights for all of next year. Now prance, mah queen!