In addition to throwing balls, hits, punches, and, in the case of Bulls’ player Taj Gibson, giant baby tantrums, some athletes possess the precious gift of throwing shade. (Or, since this is macho man sports, trash-talking. Whatever, I’m calling it shade. 95% of athletes are diva queens, anyway.) And it’s something I’d like to see more of in sports figures, as shade-throwing takes a special skill you can’t obtain through hours in the gym or steroids. Here are some of my favorite burns from the sports world who, in their spare time, probably watch a lot of “Real Housewrecks of (insert big-name city here)” or “RuPaul’s Drag Race” to hone their shade-throwing skills. (Where else would they get it? “Family Guy”?!)
(go to 9:53 mark)
Here’s caveman-on-ice Alex Ovechkin with referees on the ejection of his former BFF Alexander
Semen Semin, in episode 1 of HBO’s “24/7” series featuring the Pens and Caps. I’m surprised I still remember this shit five years after it went down. If the refs read Ovie like bitchy reality show housewives read bitchy reality show housewives, they would’ve also thrown him out for that remark, too. Ovie may look like something hard-up $50-a-throw hookers would resort to after their heels they got from the clearance section at Ross broke on them, and I can’t forget what he said about Pittsburgh in that Episode 4, but damn if that wasn’t an impressive burn.
Yaaaaassss, Bummy. One of the sexiest men in baseball responds to some dude who not only hasn’t won a World Series, but probably needs to watch more baseball games. Like, how the hell can he miss this?
Come to AT&T Park, Scherzer. I’m sure Bummy will be happy to see you on the mound.
Remember when the Lakers were great? When they were as elite as the Warriors are today, but not as good as them because they never won 24 games straight? Anyways, in 2010, when the team met up with President Obama to be honored by him because CHAMPIONS, the Prez and Kobe Bryant had a nice back-and-forth:
Obama, a professed Bulls fan, said to Kobe, “Derrick Rose may have your number.”
To which, Kobe says he immediately replied, “If he calls that number, I’ll be sure to pick up after the fifth ring.”
Where’s my favorite new shade gif?
It’s said twice, because twice the shade!
As much as I hate Twatter, I’ve seen my fair share of lovely burns on it. Cases in point:
From some SF Giants beat writer, after their visit to the White House last year.
Agreed. You’re missing a “but” there, though, Magic.
Since when did MJ take over the Hornets’ Twatter account?
And here’s the reaction from former 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh over the recent firing of his former team’s head coach:
Someone open the windows because it smells like something is burning in the kitchen!
Then there’s shade before social media. You know, the good ol’ days.
“What’s the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sports writer? In six weeks, the puppy stops whining.” –football coaching legend Mike Ditka
“I’m just looking around to see who’s gonna finish second.” — NBA Hall-of-Famer Larry Bird, said to a locker room of his opponents for the 1986 Three-Point Shootout, when asked why he was staring around the room so curiously.
“Just remember, the mailman doesn’t deliver on Sundays, Karl.” —another NBA Hall-of-Famer Scottie Pippen, to Karl Malone after Game 1 of the 1997 NBA Finals
“I can’t really hear what Jeremy says, because I’ve got my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears.” —NHL goalie great Patrick Roy, in response to Jeremy
Redneck Roenick criticizing his play in the 1996 Western Conference Finals between Roy’s Avalanche and Roenick’s Blackhawks. Roy ended up winning four rings in his career, which is four less times the number of punches he’d throw to Mike Vernon the following season.
Then there’s shade-throwing without saying a word. Flashback to 1996:
Who knew that a simple wave would say so much?
Now which of these athletes would make the finest drag queen will be debated in another entry. If you’re wondering why you’re hearing laughs, it’s from me because I’m imagining Kobe Bryant in drag.