*But even I’m not naive enough to think they all will perish in the new year. Nonetheless, here’s my list:
—the seafoam green hair I’m seeing on wannabe rebels out there. If you gave me a choice between this hair color and blonde, I’d gladly ask you to pass the bleach. Then I’d dump that all over the try-hards with this shade in their locks. I heard Hillary Duff was the first celeb to sport that shit, but I’m gonna blame that busted face defective blow-up sex doll Kylie Jenner, because when she had it, there was this boom in hags getting that hair color. Always blame a Jenner/K-trash bitch for many of society’s ills.
—the selfie and selfie stick. Not only does the word “selfie” piss me off, but now there’s a goddamn device for all the hardcore narcissists and social media slaves out there. It’s shit like this that makes me think I don’t need to die to go to hell; the world I currently live in is slowly becoming it.
—the word “bae.” Whoever came up with that word, please stop by at my offices for some of this, for an hour:
So this young generation first calls their ecstasy “molly”, butchers 90s style (like wear 80s-style leggings and a flannel shirt from Forever 21 and say they’re bringing back 90s style), and now shorten “baby” to that dumb word?!? Those bitches can’t be that simple.
—Hashtag/Emoji Abuse. The former has been happening by many a no-brains who probably think they’re not making a profound statement when they don’t include the pound sign before their words in their social media posts (that only two people give a shit about). They can die. And so can the new trend of endless emoticons in their social media posts. So not only are they pound sign-dependent, their post now looks like something out of a Preschool reading book. So you got icons of a toilet, coffee, tacos, a bell, a plane, and fire there. You can’t write out to me that you got the caffeinated shits while eating Taco Bell on a plane trip to hell instead?
—cell phone slavery. I will say this bullshit can stay ONLY if I get a buck for every time I see a texting walker/person on phone instead of enjoying food or person’s other company, etc. If I do this in San Francisco alone, preferably during lunch hour, all my debts would be paid off by now.
—the cell phone being called “smart.” I know of a teen who only leaves the house for school or family trips, who’s quite out-of-shape, who does nothing productive in his life, being on his “smart” phone for hours on end included. He plays games on it endlessly, and, on the rare occasions he writes things to me, uses text speak in his notes. I asked of his life ambitions one time (not for snark), and he told me to hold on while he was getting ‘dat candy in that Kandy Krush game. I have yet to get an answer for this. Don’t ask me about his parents and relatives, but do ask me how well he’s doing in school. (NOT good.) One of my top defenses I use against those who think the cell phone is “smart.” (My other being look at Lindsay Lohan.)
—excessive beards on guys. I can tolerate facial hair, but to an extent. Once the guy’s chin starts looking like a chia pet on steroids, I dry up like a low-level lake in hot weather. And who wants that between their legs? That beard certainly isn’t gonna feel good while receiving oral, but, hey, if you’re that hard up for sex…
—Jennifer Lawrence’s yapping. There are times when she speaks some truth, but then it gets foreshadowed by garbage like this. The soft spot I have for J-Law shrinks every time her mouth wet-queefs out ridiculousness, and, sadly, it’s been happening a lot lately.
—Terry Richardson and his “photography”. And knock-offs of it. They all suck suck suck suck and need to die die die.
—obvious photoshop. Ask me who finds this sexy…
…and believable. Whoever looks at this particular photo and gets inspired to buy lingerie needs to get their head checked. And, in the erotic realm, it’s worse. For those who fap to a pic like this, shame on your sorry asses.
—the following losers: Ariana Grande (Twat), Rita Whora (typo and it stays), the K-trash/Jenner losers, the Duggars, Gigi Hadon’t (another intentional typo), Kelly Rutherford, those 5 Seconds of Summer pansies, Bieber & Trump of course, internet trolls & stalkers, and some others that I’m sure will come to mind but just writing those names have already done wonders for my blood pressure.
—Vogue magazine. I know they’re not a trend and haven’t been for years; I just want them to fold this year. Ooh, and Rolling Stone, too.