I can never have too many crush objects. I’m always looking to add more beauties to my dream harem. And thanks to the…get ready for it…MLB Playoffs this year, I have found my latest panty-pudding starter.
Jacob DeGrom, ace of the New York Mets! And after taking another look at him (your first look at him must result in excessive swooning, then fainting over his long-haired pulchritude, then coming to your senses minutes later, and if not, you have no pulse and libido), you’re probably thinking: you’re soooo predictable, Miss Dee. Tall, athletic-bodied long-haired guy. Predictable, maybe, but consistent and still impeccable, especially with a fine specimen like this, who punches Gatorade jugs in the dugout when pissed off.
As an SF Giants hor, it should be a sin to root for another team than yours (well, until they play your main team), let alone gush over one of their guys. But the Giants aren’t in the playoffs right now, I wanna watch playoff baseball, and when I see something like Jacob throwing strikes, winning games, and looking good while doing so, I’ll gladly be a proud sinner. (This crush still would’ve happened if the Giants did make it to the playoffs this year…though he’d be a hate-crush if he and his team beat my team.) And as much as I’d love to sin with the 2014 NL Rookie of the Year, he (as it just happens to be) has two things going against him. One: he and his team are in the World Series, and I just can’t go nuts over someone playing something high-stakes. Thus the Mets better win that World Series, so I can take my thing with Jacob to new heights (because champions are the sexiest things in the world). In make-believe land, I know–he’s also married. Of course.
(Excuse me, Jakey. You and your dick should be running wild and free and giving me and my talented hands a chance!)
Some people are comparing him to another (former) long-haired crush object, Tim Lincecum, and what he did in the 2010 MLB playoffs five years ago. That’s all good, but as much as I like to fawn over Jacob, he’s no Timmy. Not yet. For one, he’s gotta win the whole thing in the end. (And then pitch in relief in a big game in the next playoff run.) Two, he needs to do shit like this. And call a trophy “shiny.” Three, take a look at that pic of him up there. He’s smoking a cigar. Amateur! Timmy would’ve done one better and smoked two fat blunts on the field–one for each postseason series win up to the World Series.
Go Jacob and his Mets. Any team that beats the Dodgers in a post-season series, gets no-hit by my team, and has this elegant, voluptuous creature is fine by me. (And can Jacob bring along that blond-haired boy while we’re at it? Gawd, the sexy hair on that team. *fans self*)