It’s never a bad time to take a good, hard swipe at (Crappy) “People” magazine, who recently released their annual “Most Beautiful” issue. Which, for those with good bullshit detectors (aka anyone who thinks “People” or any tabloid mag sucks ass), actually means “here’s a list of some women with projects coming out when this hits the newsstands, list-fillers, and names that, in a smarter generation, would never be famous, let alone on our list. NO GUYS, BTW.” I can’t argue with cover girl Sandra Bullock this year. But I guess Sandy’s beauty wasn’t good enough to be presented at its natural state, and needed a helping hand or six (you know, one pair of hands for makeup, another for hair, and the other for photoshop) for her cover.
I heard the list has, among others, “Clearance-Bin Pop Warbler Barbie” Ariana Grande and the women of the Duggar family. Oh yeah, because when I think “beautiful”, I don’t think Audrey Hepburn or Sophia Loren; I think spoiled brat-face Grande or one of the Duggar chicks, whose vaginas work more overtime than a porn star doing gangbangs for a week.
Pictured: one of the Duggar women, giving birth. Because giving birth is a beautiful thing.
I’m no arbiter of beauty, but I know my Beautiful People list trumps that of People’s. For one, I have the good sense that there are beautiful men out there. Second, everyone on my list this year have actual jobs and are, at least, good at them. Third, anything of mine here compared to anything from “People” is usually better, duh. And while I’m aware that the real beautiful people are the everyday people helping society become a better place who need no lick of fame to prove it, here’s the flashier side of my list. The following radiate such hot, blinding beauty, even the sun and stars in the sky get jelly when they see these faces.
The reigning postseason MVP of the NLCS and World Series, Sports Illustrated’s “Sportsman of the Year”, and top panty-creamer of the
San Francisco Giants baseball. Yes, the entire league.
How much do I adore this man? I’d count the ways, but then it would be tough to finish the rest of this entry while sitting on a continuous flow of panty pudding. (As if it didn’t start with Bummy above.)
Questionable taste in women aside, he’s too fine to be left off this list.
You can refer her as ageless wonder/Oscar-winner Julianne Moore now.
As I’ve said before about her, hers is a mien of such smolder that can easily convert many a gentleman who stubbornly prefers blondes to the dark side.
Another ageless wonder that has me swooning. To forget her on a list of beautiful people is a crime.
If the pic above alone doesn’t divert your train of thought to something more pleasurable, something’s wrong with you.
I’m not gonna try to be tastefully classy here: he’s got the best male buns in Hollywood right now.
A modern Adonis that has no problem modeling the finest of designer wear and his birthday suit.
If there is a God, she’ll be willing to drop that last name of hers for mine.
Bradley Cooper, please give me back my woman. Hers is a beauty that is so immense that it envelopes you fully, keeping you warm and cozy while zoning out all her nay-sayers (you know, those two and only two jelly-filled fools) away into oblivion.
Still tennis’ finest, after all these years. Her and my next beauty below.
A list of beautiful people is never complete without this man.
Ditto for this piece of perpetual pulchritude.
Even if he’s no longer sporting the orange-and-black, he’s still a looker of exuberance that, like a good, long night of hot lovin’, you feel the next day.
Thank the heavens that he’s aging gracefully and still working, and not some drug-riddled fame whore clinging onto his youth far from his reach.
And thank heavens that he’s one of the few young male actors out there with a good head on his shoulders, and not a fame whore and social media slut. Really, thank the heavens for that.
Because nothing’s more beautiful than talent, graciousness, and standing up for girl power.
She’s still a beauty to me, no matter what they say. Even if her slip-ups (on the occasions she does slip up) border on Ariana Grande-territory.
A bombshell that gets slept on, but her being under the radar makes her all the more gorgeous.
One of my perennial beauties, I’m glad to see he’s still got the hot after all these years.
I know what he recently did in the NHL playoffs, and, for that alone, he shouldn’t be on this list. But it’s tough to deny this Swedish knockout with his talent, charm, sense of style, and love for animals.
The baby-faced assassin is now one of the premiere players in the league, right up there with LeBron and Durant.
He’s smoking hot with the bat as he is with those looks.
And, last but not least, this beauty I recently discovered. (He’s linked instead of fully pictured here not because the pic is deliciously NSFW and clashes with all these classy pics of clothed beauties above, but a beauty like his is one-of-a-kind that he needs his own special display section. Like a rare Michelangelo sculpture at The Louvre that deserves to have its own wing.) I don’t know his name or what he does, but, nonetheless, I think I may found my Dream Stud. There’s no need to fantasize what he looks like naked; he’s already made that fantasy come true. And what a beautiful fantasy-come-true he is. *sighs lovingly*