You people like this shit?!?!
Here’s one thing you can do to get under my skin in a snap: talk about how the 1980s were “the most awesome times ever.” And if you were born in, say, 1989, and only lived just months of that decade, and still maintain this shit because you can’t think for yourself and go by the hype and chatter of others, well…there’s a reason why the term “brainless sheep” exists.
For those who actually lived that entire decade and were old enough to experience all of its culture, you may think that I–who only lived a full five years of the 80s–am not qualified to make an opinion on a decade that I spent half of in a stroller. You might as well tell my childless ass that I don’t deserve to say something about parents who can’t raise their kids right for shit. And while I can see why some of the older generation wax nostalgic about the 80s–maybe it’s because they were teens or 20s in their primes then, it’s still not going to convert me into thinking that was the best decade ever.
Lovers of 80s culture and their new-wave music, sappy hair-metal bands, mallrat pop, neon colors, spandex clothing, acid-washed, high-waisted jeans, poodle hair fucked on Aqua Net, and “totally awesome rad” speak can all suck my left one. Those are the same goddamn things that made that decade so cringe-worthy. And who the hell wants to bring all that shit back, much less wax happily nostalgic about it? (Was that the last time some of these 80s lovers had good sex or something?) But the two things that make the 80s not as awesome as some people hype it to be are the same two things people refuse to bring up when talking about the 80s:
–the AIDS epidemic
–the “greed is good” mentality of the rich yuppies
I refuse to apologize for being a killjoy to the lovers of 80s culture. But if you’re going to remember that decade for all its supposed good, you can’t shake off the shit that happened then. Hell, I think the 90s are much better than the 80s, and while that decade also had its share of bad times, I can safely say there was nothing then as devastating as the AIDS epidemic (which, yes, did last into the 90s, but not as strong as it was in the 80s).
About the only good things that came out the 80s (yeah, some good did come out of it): healthy, womanly-looking supermodels; high-cut bikini bottoms and swimsuits, Metallica, Madonna, Prince songs, the rise of hip-hop music, the second wave of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry, Michael Jordan, the winning dynasty of the 49ers, “Married With Children”, the compact disc, and, of course, yours truly. Of course, for all the hype on “the return of the 80s” these days, you certainly don’t see those healthy, womanly supermodels in fashion these days. Low-rise bikini bottoms are the heinous rage, sitcoms like “Married With Children” have been replaced by reality shows (some of which have vapid hags dolled up like dime-a-dozen hookers from the 1980s, so I’ll give ’em that), and while I got no problem listening to 80s Madonna on the radio, something’s out of whack when I hear “Like A Virgin” on my local “oldies soul station.” (This is the same “oldies soul station” that rarely spins Roy Ayers, but plays Bananarama every hour. I feel “oldies” music is stuff from the 70s and before, and can occasionally include some 80s songs, but not play a full block of it on the 8 o’clock hour while still calling themselves an “oldies” station. That’s dumb.)
Equally dumb are those saying “the 90s are back”, yet there’s still all this 80s stuff around. I’d hear about some pop singer and how she’s being hyped as someone “bringing the 90s back” with her hairdo and top. Girlie’s got Gwen Stefani-style hair from 1996, her top looks like a Delia’s reject from 1998…and her pants just happen to be leggings from 1986. Oh, and her feeble attempt at music sounds like shit from 1984 with a whole lotta autotune. Um, no times a million. You can’t have it in both decades and think you’re “bringing back the 90s,” bitches. Switch the leggings for some wide-leg JNCO jeans and the synth pop with some riot grrl rock, and then we can talk.
I also have to say, all those sports teams doing that “80s Night” shit: please stop that garbage. It’s goddamn cheesy. Start a “90s Gangsta Rap Night” and then I’ll go to your games again.
And then there are those that don’t like the 90s, all the while trying to bring this bullshit back:
The Macarena looks more bad-ass than this.
(By the way, that fucking vid has over 90 million views. The Prodigy’s “Firestarter” has half of that. I’m waiting for the 90s rave revival to change all that.)
And before I drown in some Wu-Tang Clan, Bikini Kill, and Prodigy to counter your pussy-ass new-wave shit, I will say this: why bother trying to bring the 80s back when I think we’re living in times just like it? Think about it: autotuned synth pop is the new new-wave. Fools not only say “awesome” a lot these days, but add
ass-tags hash-tags to them now. Screw your whack crack; the cell phone is the choice drug to have. Leggings are not only back, but we got skinny pants, too. (Who needs the exercise craze of the 80s when you can make skinny pants for size 30 whales? And before you call me a fat-shaming cunt, here me out: NO ONE–plus-sized, waifish, and in-shape–looks good wearing tight pants on their own. Period. And, yes, I’ll take the phone calls on this one.) Ebola and ignorance are the hot epidemics. Greed and entitlement are hotter than ever; while the hard-working middle class struggles, we got no-talent, shit-list so-called “celebrities” buying magazine covers they oh-so want to be on.
Oh yeah, the 1980s were totally awesome…