In honor of this upcoming Valentine’s Day, in which I will spend the whole day not making love to anyone, I think it’s a good time to size up potential suitors with my own set of deal breakers. To find the ultimate catch, the dream stud, the one who will be bestowed the highest honor ever in rocking my world. And if you don’t like reading long posts, then maybe you and I weren’t meant to be.
1) Do you have and own (or at least rent out) your own place? Dude, you better. Staying with roommates don’t count, by the way.
2) Can you cook and drive? If you can do both, stay–please. If you can drive but not cook, but want to learn how to, stick around. If you don’t want to learn how to cook, then you can exit right now. No, I don’t care about how “big” your wallet is or if you fuck well–just go.
3) Are you tall? Like 5’9 and up? This matters, dammit. I love me some tall men, and if I’m gonna have kids with you, I intend to give my kids the gift of tall height, a gift I wish I had.
4) Do you have children? If you do, sorry, but I can’t take you. Your kids will be one more thing to worry about if we’re dating. Plus, I prefer to be the first to make my man a father.
5) First date. Take me to a decent restaurant or a SF Giants game? Trick question–these are both good options. Just as long as this restaurant is not anything fast food!
6) We’re at the restaurant and we’re waiting for our food. Talk to me or pull your cell phone out to “check stuff”, to which you stay on it for minutes without speaking to me? It better not be the latter, bastard. I have NO time and tolerance for cell phone slaves. This included walking and you needing to text while walking. (In this case, stop that shit. Stop walking, sit your butt down, and then text.) And, by the way, every time I see a couple on their cell phones and not even talking to one another, I immediately know that they won’t last long.
7) Would you mind growing your hair out to your shoulders if I asked you to? If yes, and you want to know how to cook, stay, my dear. (By the way, I won’t ask this to every man I court. Some men look good with short hair, and some men I’d love to see with long locks.)
8) Do you support LGBT rights, free speech, a woman’s right to choose, and total separation of church and state? This must all be answered with a resounding “yes.” No three out of four “yes” answers here.
9) Let’s get suggestive: when you look down, can you see your dick (when it’s hard) without anything in the way? If yes, and you want to learn how to cook (hey, culinary skills are important to me!), stay. Sorry to those with beer-bellies, but looks matter to me. (There’s only room for one with a belly in my bed, now! I may not have the body of a centerfold babe, but if I want you to kiss my “one-pack,” you better kiss it!) Now, if you don’t have a belly but still can’t see your dick when up, then, um, ugh…I’m trying not to laugh at you…lololol
10) I’m reading “Playgirl” magazine. You feel: jealous? Or curious? Don’t feel the least bit jealous here. I’m probably reading stuff on how to deep throat, which is vital to a relationship. Now, if you toss that mag out of my hands, that better follow with you making out with me.
11) Would you give me your undivided attention whenever I’m with you? If you found a good defense to your “no” answer, then I found a good face to slap. There is no “no” answer here! And it’s not just with cell phones; if I’m not the most interesting person in the room to you, then it’s you with the problem. Now, if you keep staring at me all the time, then leave, creep.
12) What would you rather brag about: your income or the way you lay a girl in bed? Second trick question–braggers can suck my left one.
13) Let’s go to a dance club. Go dance to: dubstep and EDM, or classic Michael Jackson and Prince? You gotta answer the latter! At least those two made actual music, not stuff that sounds like broken robots fucking on Ritalin. A major bonus if you don’t mind singing Prince’s “Kiss” in a high falsetto while wearing shiny purple pants.
14) What’s sexier: miniskirts or leggings? To answer leggings is to side with cheap, tacky fashion. Why would you want your girl’s legs to be covered up? I thought men want to see more skin!
15) You smoke? You’ve met one of the few women out there that actually doesn’t mind it. And most certainly not if it’s the sweet mary jane. Just take it outside, OK?
16) Some loser slights me and you see it happen. Would you stand up for me? You better. And if this person needs to get their ass kicked, do it. For me, baby. Assertiveness in a man is always sexy.
17) Would you play with my hair, call me sweet things, and cuddle up to me as we relax on the couch? Please do. I don’t even have to beg.
18) Fake nerd glasses: your thoughts. If you think they’re the shit and like wearing them, get the hell out. Seriously, out. (And, yes, this IS a major deal breaker to me.)
19) Hashtags: your thoughts. If you think they’re overused and stupid as hell, then we can hang. As long as you don’t like fake nerd glasses.
20) Will you post every single thing we do on your social media site (if you got one)? Please don’t. Some things were not meant to be put out there for the sake of getting “likes”. Double the offense if you put out something I really don’t want published.
21) Who’s sexier: today’s Kate Upton, or a 90s Cindy Crawford? If you answered a 90s Cindy, then you, sir, have impeccable taste. I have to agree with you. (I prefer brunettes, and prefer men that prefer brunettes.) Speaking of girls…
22) This babe…
Your thoughts. You’re thinking threesome, too? Great minds really do think alike. (Her name is Tori Black, by the way.) And speaking of threesomes…
23) Your reaction if I ask for another man to join us for one night of fun: flip out and quickly object, or give it some thought and eventually agree, provided that this is just for fun and nothing more won’t come out of this. It’s funny how some men don’t mind threesomes, but only if another girl joins in. But I’m someone that wants the playing field leveled, and if my man gets to have two babes for fun, then why can’t I have two studs for fun? In the end, I want my man to know that it’s him I truly love. (For the record, I don’t mind “m-f-f” threesomes not so much because I think my man would enjoy it, but because I want to experience it. With the right person, I can be sexually adventurous–while playing safe, of course!)
24) Will you force me to do things I don’t want to do at all? If you dare to, I’ll force you to jump off a cliff.
25) No cheating, no lying, not even jealousy. I know, this is not a question. There should be no question to this.
**a side note: oh, you made it this far? Congrats. Your interest in me is turning me on. *kidding*
26) I make mistakes every now and then, show a little impatience, and can be bitchy. Can you handle this? As Marilyn Monroe once said, “if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
27) Where do you rank our relationship in your priorities in life (given that we’ve been together for a while)? If it’s after anything else…ugh, it can’t be after anything else! We’re just as important as your family, and we’re just as great as God, if that’s on top of your list.
28) Will you tell me you love me every day, show it to me (and not just through sex) on a daily, and be there for me through thick and thin? Will you not say no?
The many things I put a man through when he wants to be mine. Maybe that’s why I’m still single. It’s not that I’m picky-picky with my mate, but it’s that I know what I really want from a man. No fakeness, no arrogance, no vapidity, no indecisiveness or non-commitment…none of the stuff that can hurt me (and perhaps him). I got a feeling my dream stud is out there; it’s just a matter of finding him, and at the right time. Until then, I’ll always have my imagination and batteries.
**edited 3/15 because one deal-breaker made no damn sense. Blah.